Does this sound like YOU?

• Still searching for that "Any" key on the neighbor's computer, or trying to figure out how to make that cup holder thingie slide back out?
  
  
• Tired of that puzzled look from the drug store clerk when you ask what kind of film goes in a camera phone?
  
  
• Wish things were like the good ole' days, when "going on-line" meant you were hanging the wash?
  
  
• Is the BIG DUMMY's Guide to anything still way over your head?
  

Well, your frustrations are over! The fine folks at Gary G-Tech Enterprises bring you TECHNOLOGY FOR THE REST OF US! They've taken the miracles of modern science and electronics, and re-formulated them so ANYBODY can get in on action:

The GaryGPS
You'll always be able to see where you're going and where you've been, without the hassle of fiddling with a lot of little buttons, or listening to a disembodied voice screaming "TURN LEFT, TURN LEFT!" Besides, everyone knows any backseat passenger can do that without needing to be recharged every 5 hours.

Does Your Dog Byte? Computer Kit
When your co-workers start spouting drivel about quad cores and gigabytes packed into their latest cyber purchases, now you can just smile and say, "Oh, I prefer to build my own... I've got a custom job you can't buy in a store." Then, casually add "...turbo ventillated AND vertically integrated," and watch them clutch their nerd pouches in homage. Who's ichi-ban now? Some assembly required.

"My Word!" Word Processor
If all you want to do is hyperlink with the hottie in the next cubicle, there's no need for a lot of formatting with the normal template, or spending hours finding and replacing your bullets with bookmarks. We'll help you "git 'er done" the old fashioned way with the My Word! Word Processor. Act now, and we'll throw in a FREE color printer and printer stand.

Rockin's Kube
Didn't you hate it in the 70's when some guy named Rubick single-handedly wasted hours of your life you'll never get back? Our specially-modified Rockin's Kube lets you experience the Joy of Victory in record time, without having to peel up and re-glue those 54 pesky little color stickers. That was how you did it, isn't it? Come clean, now! Not responsible for repetitive motion injury if you can't figure it out.

"Feast for the Ears" Lunch Bunch Seafood Platter
Decades after Swansons made their mark, we're still schlepping anything we can wolf down into the TV room, where everything seems to taste better. For those who want to go a step further and eat without looking, G-Tech introduces their frozen Feast for the Ears Lunch Bunch Seafood Platter. If you're one of those folks who says everything but steak "tastes like chicken," here's something unmistakably different. Perfect for when Sunday Noon rolls around....unless, of course, they're showing "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea" on HBO. You'll be happy to learn there's no iPhone App for ordering it to go. What's an iPhone, anyway?. Seasonable availability. Tentacles not included.

And remember, "It's ALL good!"

Not available anywhere, for any price. It's a spoof to get even. But you knew that, RIGHT?
By the way, there's no connection with any other company, name, product,
or person even remotely resembling Gary G-Tech.